OK. Let's see where we are.
Get rid of this, get rid of that, kill that...
That kinda freaks me out...
Don't need her, we can get rid of that...
OK, we can start with this.
I know it's a hard editing piece, but come on, you guys.
It's the internet. We need traffic, traffic, traffic. What you got?
-How about this? -Perfect!
Now doesn't she look smart and knowledgeable about immigration reform?
Yeah! She does, right? I'm fucking with you, people!
This isn't a porn site! What are we, nerds trying to look at boobies?
Come on, keep looking.
Shit!
Hello?
Hey, baby. Where are you? Are you still at work?
No! Not even close.
Just so you know, the movie starts in 10 minutes.
-I know. Give me your pants. -What?
-I'll buy you lunch tomorrow, come on. -No.
I'm your boss. Give me your pants.
Please, try not to be late. I really hate missing the beginning.
I know, I know.
Give me your pants.
I'm coming, baby. I'm almost there.
-How far away? -I think I see you.
-Where are you? I'm here. -So am I.
So many people. What are you wearing?
I'm wearing the only clothes outside the theatre...
because I'm the only person outside the theatre.
I love that outfit. You look so sexy in that.
You know that I love this movie.
If a prostitute and a ruthless businessman...
can fall in love, then anyone can.
I know this means a lot to you, which means it means a lot to me.
-Well apparently it doesn't. -I'm looking at you right now, I can see you.
-Jamie. -Hey!
-Oh, you made it. -Yeah.
-Sorry I'm late. -It's OK. I got us sandwiches.
I got you turkey, no cheese.
Are you sure this was prepared in an air-free facility?
Yes, I'm fully aware of your allergies.
Hey, I'm here.
-I'm really sorry. -We missed "Your body is a wonderland".
OK, only one song. That's not so bad, right?
It was fucking "Your body is a wonderland".
Well good news is he has so many... good ones.
Here's an idea. Next time, instead of being late...
just shit on my face coz that's kinda of the same thing...
as missing "Your body is a wonderland".
OK we really got to go in. Julia Roberts is about...
to put on her really tall boots.
We need to talk.
I think we should take a break.
I just feel like we should chill for a while, you know?
-You're doing this! -You're breaking up with me?!
-You said I was your soul mate. -I did? When?
When we were at that B&B having sex.
-You know, that doesn't... -Doesn't what?!
Count.
I was tied up at work. I'm sorry.
Maybe you should care a little bit less about work...
and a little more about the girl that you're dating.
Coz last time I checked, work doesn't reassure you that...
liking a finger up your ass, doesn't make you gay.
I never said go up, OK?
I just said lightly around... It's like a little button...
You know what? Not your issue anymore.
Is this why you were late? You were worried about how to break up with me?
No, no. I was trying to decide what to wear.
-So you went with sneakers and a hoodie. -Yeah.
What, you were gonna take SATs after this?
Don't lash out, OK? You're better than that.
I'm really not.
I think we're heading in different directions.
Yeah, you to the John Mayer concert and me not.
Thank you for doing this before the concert, by the way.
Best break up ever.
He is the Sheryl Crow of our generation.
Let me just ask you one quick question.
And just know, that I am not at all crushed by this break up.
So be honest. Why?
-Is this a trick? -No, just pure anthropological research.
OK. You want someone to sweep you off your feet...
but you're more interested in getting swept of your feet...
than in someone who's doing the sweeping.
You seem like you got it totally together...
but you're actually really emotionally damaged.
Also, you have like really big eyes and that freaks me out sometimes.
Thank you. That's enough.
-It is not you at all. -Of course it's me!
You can't say that. You're breaking up with ME!
It's not, it's me. I don't like you anymore.
This is my fault. You deserve better than me.
You're a great guy. A little too emotionally unavailable, if you ask me.
-I didn't. -I really wanna stay friends.
-Let's stay friends. -Sure.
Totally.
John fucking Mayer!
Come here you. You're gonna get through this.
Why do relationships always start out so fun...
and then turn into suck a bag of dicks?
I really have to stop buying into this bullshit Hollywood cliche...
of true love.
Shut up, Katherine Heigl! You stupid liar!
Just gonna work and fuck. Like George Clooney.
I'm just gonna shut myself down emotionally.
Like George Clooney.
Sit up please, sir.
Is that the Hudson river?
No. It's the East river.
So we won't be landing on it then like that...flight.
You know, with that captain they keep giving medals to.
That pilot was a hero.
Asshole.
Plane actually did a lot of the work.
I think I found the perfect guy to fill that job at GQ.
He's landing and I'm scrambling.
He's not sold on the job yet, but I'll get him there, I always do.
I'm even picking him up in a hybrid.
He's from LA, I figured he's into all that bullshit.
Hey sir, what's that tall building over there?
The Empire State Building.
No, no. The other one. The really, really tall one. With the antenna on top of it...
-the windows... -The Empire State Building!
Oh yeah. You're right. King Kong.
Hey, are you done with this?
Welcome to New York Ms. Renderghast.
Oh no!
Excuse me, sorry.
-Can you get me my bag? -Sure. Which one?
-The one with the strips. -OK.
Welcome to New York, sir.
Excuse me.
-That's me. -Which one, the blue or the yellow?
No, the makeshift sign made out of lipstick. That's me.
-You're Dylan Harper. -I am.
-I'm Jamie-. -You're picking me up from the airport.
Yes, I am.
You always pick people up like this?
You know, I like to keep things interesting. Welcome to New York.
Thank you.
You're not exactly what comes to mind when you think "head hunter".
Yeah, I prefer "executive recruiter".
Head hunter sounds a little creepy.
You did stalk me for 6 moths. Kinda creepy.
Here, I'll take it.
You're really gonna carry my bag? You're that girl?
No. I'm gonna change your life. I'm THAT girl.
My life is already pretty great.
Oh really? Coz you wouldn't be here if your life was already pretty great.
A free trip to NY, I'd be an idiot to turn that down.
Well then I guess you must have been an idiot for the past 6 months.
Oh, a lot of people would say longer than that.
It's a huge opportunity, Dylan.
Art director of GQ magazine, this is the big leagues.
No offense to your little blog on the internet.
Which got 6 mil. hits last month.
I could put up a video of me mixing cake batter with my boobs...
and it would get 8 mil. hits.
It's been done.
-dunkinmytitshynes.com. -Really?
There is no question that you are talented at what you do...
but this is GQ!
NY is so crowded. Look around. I'm from LA, OK?
I like my open spaces.
What are you, a gazelle?
What's really worrying you about this?
I don't know. I don't want to be the guy who took something legendary...
and shit the bed with it. Excuse the expression.
Well, don't be the guy who shits the bed, excuse the expression.
Be the guy who made the bed legendary again.
We'll get some coffee before the interview, you'll be fine.
I'm sorry, not coffee. Some green tea-soy- organic-hemp bullshit.
It's really hot in NY.
It gets hot in LA.
Yeah it gets hot in LA, but it's the humidity.
In LA it's 90F, it feels like 90F.
When it's hot in NY, 90F is like 100.000F.
This conversation about the weather is really fascinating...
but lucky for me, we're here.
So, good luck.
Just do me a favor. Act like you do so that I look good.
-I can do that. -OK.
-Go get 'em. -This is great by the way.
Ugh!
-Hey! -You're still here?
Yeah. Well, it's my job.
So, tell me how did it go?
They bought it. You're safe for a little while longer.
Thank you. I owe you one.
-This is from you. -It's your offer.
-Wait...I got it? -They called about 5 minutes ago.
Congratulations. Offer expires at midnight.
Why didn't you just tell me instead of texting me?
Coz it's more dramatic.
Dylan, you're not gonna shit the bed.
I've seen your work, it's amazing.
It's a huge move. Would you uproot your entire life for a job? Be honest.
For a job, probably not. But for NY...
Yeah, I would.
Which is why I'm not gonna try to sell you on the job...
I'm gonna sell you on NY.
It's NY! I've seen Seinfeld.
Not the bullshit tourist version.
Puppy dog eyes. Nice touch.
Yes! Come on. Let me buy you a drink.
What's wrong?
-What are you waiting for? -The light to change.
You LA folk are so cute. Come on.
See? I'm gonna die!
Here we have Brooklyn bridge, downtown Manhattan...
and right in front of us... an outdoors bar.
Ha! Alcohol! Now we're talking.
You know, I like you.
I'll give you a choice of closes.
What?
How I'd close you on this job.
So we have the flattery close: "Dylan, you're so good at what you do".
The take it or leave it close: "Man, I don't care if you take it, I get paid regardless".
The sympathy close: "You see, my kids..."
Why do women think the only way to get a man to do what they want...
is to manipulate them?
History, personal experience, romantic comedies.
You're here for a reason, whether you want to admit it or not.
Yeah, to explore an option.
Who wouldn't want to know their options?
-Someone who's in a perfect situation. -Are you in the perfect situation?
Job? Absolutely. Everything else? None of your business.
Shaun!
Jamie!
You look great, you've been working out?
No, just been eating a lot.
OK. You want a drink?
-Yeah. -Let me get you a drink.
Careful!
Hey bro, that was like a double McTwist 1260.
Yeah, like the trick. -Yeah!
-Dylan. -Jamie, you wanna get this guy...
out of my face before I break his fucking skull?
Sorry, bro. No disrespect. I'm a huge fan.
You don't fucking know me, man. Don't talk to me like you know me.
What, you think I'm all chill because I snow board and shit?
One more word and I'll fuck you up like dynamite.
-Dynamite... -Nah, I'm just playing, bro.
Any friend of Jamie's is cool with me.
It's all good, man.
I'm whispering in the ear of a dead man.
-See you later. -Bye, honey.
Shaun White seems really great.
Nice dude.
-How do you know him again? -I took his virginity.
Oh, so you guys have known each other for a while?
No, it was like 8 months ago.
Wow. So does the carpet match the drapes?
It's the hardwood floors, if you know what I mean.
My God!
-Teribble visual. -Totally kidding, by the way.
Just an old friend of mine.
You guys use the same leave-in conditioner.
Your hair has nice body.
-What are you looking for? -The cops.
-Come on. -The cops?!
-Where you're taking me? -You'll see.
Here's your open space.
Run, gazelle. Run!
Wow! It's unbelievable.
OK, this was not on Seinfeld.
What your dad think about all this?
About what?
He must have an opinion, he used to write for LA Times for 23 years.
Somebody did their homework.
I have this thing at work, it's called Google.
Come on, what does he think about the job?
Actually, I didn't ask him.
Well, you must know what he'd say.
He'd tell me to go with my gut and that he'd be proud of me no matter what I did.
Sounds like a really great man.
Yeah, he is.
Hey, do you wanna see something really cool?
I always wanna see something really cool.
Come on.
Only place in the city you can actually see the stars.
-Pretty awesome. -I know.
I like to come up here to think. Just when it gets a little too much...
for me down there, it's like... my NY version of a mountain top.
Best part?
No cell reception.
You take all your recruits up here?
Actually never really taken anyone up here.
-Really? -Yeah.
Thanks.
If you tell anyone about this...
I will rip your ears off and staple them to your neck.
Everyone in this city seems really violent.
Oh, come on let's go. One last stop.
-We're just getting comfortable. -I know. Come on, buddy.
Oh, you show me Times Square! This is not touristy at all!
Oh, would you shush! Come on!
-Do we have to power walk everywhere we go? -Yes.
So everybody just kind of... walks wherever they want then...
Right here.
-What do you mean? -We're here.
My God, it's 1988.
All right smartass, give it 5 seconds.
-What is this? -It's a flash mob!
-Oh, like on Oprah! -Exactly!
-Should we get out of the way? -No, no! Enjoy it. Take it all in.
-Pretty damn cool! -Right?
Do these people get paid for this?
No, no! They kinda just do it for fun.
It's nice to feel like you're a part of something.
NY can be a little bit lonely at times.
And you're trying to sell me on it?
Every place can be a little bit lonely sometimes.
-Be careful! -God!
Shit! Get back down.
I'm in.
What?
You sold me.
-Really? -I'll take the job.
-Oh my God! -Are you surprised?
No, no!
-You can all go home now. Thank you. -Very funny.
Congratulations, sellout!
Thank you, thank you!
All I'm saying is, it wasn't so much the pilot's skill that landed that plane on the river...
as much as the mechanics of the aircraft.
Are you saying that captain Sully wasn't a hero?
No,no! There was just other factors.
Are you not an American?
Hey, do you wanna get your shit out of my car or what?
Welcome to NY. Go and fuck a dick.
So, all I ask is that you give me a little bit of time to gain your trust.
I know that I'm new at this but what I lack in experience...
I make up for in cliches.
So, my door is always open.
Seriously, my door is always open.
My first order of business... lighter doors.
Thank you, guys.
Hey man, Tommy-sports editor.
Tommy! I read your articles. Love your writing.
Just trying to keep it realsies. Listen, I'd love to take you out...
one night and trawl for cock.
What?
You got some pretty boys out there in LA but the quality in this town is ridiculous!
We can tear this shit up!
-I'm not gay, Tommy. -Really?
I just assumed Art director, and..
Hey no skin, more pipe for me.
By the way, doing a piece on racism and hockey. Would love to get your...
concepts on the font. I'm thinking Helvetica, but I could be persuaded to Courier New...
but what the fuck do I know? I'm just a sports editor.
-You sure you're not gay? -Yep, I'm sure.
I'd knock, but you don't have a door.
I don't.
Hey, check this out.
-That really does exist. -I told you. But not that, this.
-Awesome! -But even more awesome if this happened.
-Wait for it. -Nice!
I got in touch with the guy that puts flash mobs together.
I'm thinking about using them for guerilla advertising.
Taking something so pure and commercializing it?
-I found the right guy. -Here I am.
Ok here's your contract. Sign it and I'll be out of here.
A whole year?
Why do I get the feeling this is the first real commitment you ever made?
It's not. T-Mobile. Two years. And fuck do I regret that one.
Do me a favor. Don't quit or get fired before the year is up...
because otherwise I don't get my bonus.
You mean I can leave whenever I want?
-What's the point of this contract? -Just sign the damn thing.
Nice doing business with you, Dylan Harper.
Hey, I was thinking of getting some lunch. Do you know a place?
Are you asking me out?
I'm not asking you out, I'm asking you to show me a restaurant.
I mean, I'm the only friend you have in NY. You don't wanna complicate that.
I know, I'm not asking you out.
Sure, we'd have fun, roll around, get in some erotic humiliation fantasy...
Erotic! Could you just slow...
I'm not fucking asking you out, I swear to God!
OK, you don't like me like that.
You don't have to be so mean about it.
I'm sorry...
God, you're such a girl! Come on, it's my treat.
So, was it an easy move?
Sucked leaving my dad, my sister gave me some shit...
but timing was right.
Timing was really right.
-Is that your sister? -No, my ex.
She's great. Loves John Mayer.
Wants us to stay friends.
She's also convinced she can cure me of my emotional unavailability.
-You're emotionally unavailable? -Oh yeah.
Oh my God! I'm emotionally damaged. I haven't seen you at the meetings.
I'm done with the relationship thing.
Girl, you are preaching to the congregation.
-Choir. -What?
Preaching to the choir. You're supposed to preach to the congregation.
That's the expression.
Did you understand what I was saying? Then don't be a dick about it.
-Oh my God. Do you mind? -Please.
Hello. You've reached Dylan Harper's cell phone.
-He's emotionally unavailable but... -John fucking Mayer!
Hello?
You really do have shitty cell service.
-Right? -Yeah.
I'm gonna have some friends over tomorrow.
Why don't you come and you can meet some new people.
I'm gonna have to check my schedule.
I'm really busy. I work at GQ now.
It's not some little blog on the internet.
Hey, you made it.
-Sorry I'm late. -No, please come in.
Thank you. Hey, everybody!
This here is Dylan. He's from LA.
He's the reason I can afford all this beer.
Am I an animal?
Yeah.
I'm pretty good at this.
Lt.Kali is a west coast street artist I got into about 5 years ago.
His post-modern interpretation...
-This shit is amazing! -I know, right?
I can't do this anymore.
No, I think we both need to go get happy.
It's not adding up to a hundred anymore.
It's like NY is all out of blueberries.
Goodbye, Brice.
Why do all these movies have such bad music?
So that you know how to feel every single second.
"I'm heartbroken".
"I'm getting married to the man of my dreams".
"I'm sneaking through an office".
Maddison, wait!
Brice! How did you know I was at Grand Central Station?
You're not. You're in LA. Where this movie was shot.
I know you better than you know yourself.
And your crazy friend Suzie across the hall.
Suzie!
-Why are you here? -To tell you...
I love that sunsets make you cry.
And I don't care that you failed your real estate exam.
And I'm glad that you have a 5 date rule.
-I love you. -Not as much as I love you.
God, I wish my life was a movie sometimes.
I'd never have to worry about my hair...
or having to go to the bathroom.
And then, when I'm at my lowest point, some guy would chase me down the street...
pour his heart out and we kiss. Happily ever after.
I mean, a horse and carriage? Come on!
That is...awesome.
Not as awesome as this ambiguously upbeat pop song, that has nothing to do with the plot.
They put it at the end to try to convince you that you had a great time at this shitty movie.
Why don't they make a movie about what happens after the big kiss?
They do. It's called porn.
God, I miss sex.
Sometimes you just need it. It's like...
like cracking your neck.
Why does it always have to come with complications?
-And emotions... -And guilt...
Ugh, guilt.
It's women's fault.
-What?! -You heard me!
"Hold me! Let's spend the rest of our lives together".
Please, you're no better!
"Yo, baby. Come on, say my name. Yeah...oh...I'm done. How was it?"
Who you've been with?
Why can it not be like that? It's a physical act.
Like playing...tennis.
Two people should be able to have sex like they're playing tennis.
No one wants to go away for the weekend after they play tennis.
It's just a game. You shake hands and get on with your shit.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
You want more beer?
-Jamie? -Yeah.
Let's play tennis.
-What? -Let's have sex like we're playing tennis.
Get the hell outta here!
Don't laugh.
This could be great, this could take all the weirdness out of it.
We talked about this. I don't like you like that.
I don't like you like that either. That's why it's perfect.
I don't even know if I find you attractive.
That's cute.
I do have a thing for jerks.
-Do you even find me attractive? -That's cute.
No, no. Before you got to know my awesome personality...
strictly physical.
First time you saw me.
-This is just two people talking. -Yeah.
Two girls, over drinks at Bennigans. Go.
I liked your eyes. I didn't think I'd ever seen such big beautiful eyes.
Your lips. Thought you might be a good kisser.
I am.
-Your breasts. -What about them?
They intrigued me.
-Really? -Yeah.
I think they're so tiny.
-Still breasts. -Thanks.
I liked your hands.
-Mouth. -Butt.
-Voice. -Chest.
-Eyes. -You said that.
I meant it.
You swear you don't want anything more from me other than sex?
You swear you don't want anything more from me?
I know how you girls get...
What are you doing?
I'm pulling up my Bible app.
-You have a Bible up? -Yes, I'm a good girl.
I can't figure this out.
Keep your hand still, I'm moving...
There we go.
No relationship.
No emotions.
Just sex.
Whatever happens...
we stay friends.
-Swear. -Swear.
So, I guess we should just start.
-I'll serve. -That's enough of the tennis.
Go to the bedroom.
What's wrong with the couch? It's less emotional.
The bedroom has better light.
And since we're just friends, I don't have to be insecure about my body.
Come on, OK? You're beautiful.
You have nothing to be insecure about.
You see, that is way too emotion supportive and you need to just lock that down.
-Your ass is a little boney. -Much better!
My nipples are sensitive, I don't like dirty talk...
and had I known this was gonna happen, I would have shaved my legs this morning.
My chin is ticklish, I sneeze sometimes after I cum...
and had I known this was gonna happen, I wouldn't have shaved my legs this morning.
Okie dokie.
Oh. I keep my socks on. Intimacy issues.
Great, coz feet gross me out. Daddy issues.
I can work with that.
Should be fine.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Can we stop? We could just go for a run.
No, we're getting too old for this.
-Sex? -No, casual sex.
Feels a little college-y.
I can sing some Third Eye Blind.
"Closing time, one last call for alcohol..."
-That's not Third Eye Blind. -Pretty sure it's Third Eye Blind.
-What's wrong? -We're just doing this once.
-I totally agree. -OK.
-Little faster. -More circular.
Watch my chin.
Touch my ears.
Kiss my neck.
-Say my name. -Dylan Francis Harper Jr.
-Not my full name. -Sorry took a lot of that out of your paperwork.
Oh my God, you really...oh.
-Dylan, I... -Relax.
Just a friend going down on another friend.
Oh yeah, baby! Tornado!
What?!
What are you trying to do, dig your way to China?
-I'm good at this! -Says who?
Every girl I've been with.
Well, they're either lying or their vaginas are made out of burlap.
So, relax. You're not a lizard.
-OK fine! -OK fine!
"So gather up your jackets..."
-A little to the right... -OK.
-A little bit more to the left. -Copy that.
-Now, go down... -Here we go!
-Oh! Too far! -Sorry!
-What's wrong? -Nothing!
Women start to scream, it can be misconstrued.
Just keep going!
Yeah, you know it!
Let me tell you how I like it.
Most girls think you should start out soft, but if you just get in...
Yeah. You know it.
-Let's go with Obama. -No, no, no!
It's too easy, too predictable. Go with Shaun.
He's stylish, trancedant of sport. Has an ass like a kumquat.
I hear he's kind of a jerk.
No, he's not.
You're just threatened by him because he's the greatest snow sport athlete...
in the universe and he gets more squirrel than an oak tree.
Hey, Dylan. Jamie-in the lobby for you.
OK, thanks.
Let's hit this after lunch, OK guys?
Nobody wants to fuck Obama, bro.
He's got ears like an elephant. That's not the part of an elephant you want.
-Hi! -Hi!
-Sorry to show up like this. -No, no. It's fine.
-Wanna take a walk? -Love to.
-OK, so about what happened... -It was crazy and we shouldn't have done it.
Exactly. No, no! Exactly! It is so not me.
I totally agree. Let's forget it happened.
Great! Look, I've had one night stands. We both have had one night stands.
-None of which we're proud of, but... -Well...
Really?
OK, so say that you and I could just have sex without it compromising anything, but it's just so...
Misguided.
Exactly.
I was gonna call you this morning.
-But you didn't. -But I didn't.
See, it's already coming between us and I really just don't want it to.
It's not going to.
I know I act all tough, and I talk all tough, but really it's...
...it's just a front to protect yourself from your own vulurnability.
What, you're my fucking therapist now?
No, I'm a friend.
Who knows that every time you curse, you blink.
Like your body is rejecting the word.
-It does not. Fuck you. -Blinked.
-I didn't fucking blink. -Blinked again.
-Shit. -Ah, you didn't blink.
"Shit" you're OK with.
-We were stupid. -Yes.
-We're friends, let's stay friends. -Yes, yes.
-I don't wanna lose this. -Me either.
Portraits for the lovely couple.
-What the hell are we doing? -I don't know.
Grab my hair.
Kiss my neck.
-Watch my nipple. -All right.
-I didn't know you had a tatto. -Yeah.
Why didn't I notice that before?
Because we were drunk.
-Is he your dog? -No, never had one.
But everyone else did, and I thought having a dog might get a normal family...
which at 17 I desperately wanted.
So as a sign of rebellion, you got a tattoo.
The most conventional thing you could think of.
-It was super awesome back then. -Check it.
-A lightning bolt? -18. Wanted super powers.
I was a little into Harry Potter back then.
-You were also gay back then? -Harry Potter doesn't make you gay!
-You sure about this? -Are you?
-No. -Me either.
How was your day?
It was OK. I had a turkey sandwich for lunch.
-How was that? -It wasn't that good. How was your day?
Still trying to figure out the subway system. It is tricky.
-My butt. -What?
-Oh, my butt. -Really?!
No! I mean, my butt is cramping. Can you grab a pillow?
-So, no butt? -No.
Really? Already?
Just kidding.
-Do you like this position? -Yeah, it's all right.
To be honest, I feel a little emasculated.
A naked girl is lying on top of you and you feel emasculated?
Little bit.
You do know what that word means, right?
Yeah, I know what it means and I feel it.
OK, all right. You big baby.
???? fire drill. -OK.
-Do you feel manly now? -I do.
OK, put it in.
That's not funny.
-Yeah, it's funny. -Kinda funny.
-Hold on. -What's wrong?
I have to go to the bathroom.
-Now? -Yes, now. I had a lot of water melon.
What's going on in there?
Do you know how hard it is to pee with a hard on?
-No, actually. -It's like two lanes of traffic merging into one.
It takes time.
-Are you pooping?! -No!
-Why are you sitting down? -It's easier to control.
-You want a mess in here? -No, no. Sorry.
-Oh! -What, did I leak?
Did you wash your hands?
Dude, I know we're just friends but I'm still a lady.
Get back in there, wash your hands and then bring that fine ass back here.
You're talking to me like that?
I'm not gonna come back.
My hammies are killing me.
Have a banana, they're in the fridge.
Why do you keep bananas in the fridge? It drys them out.
It doesn't. They have a peel.
It's not armor, air still gets in.
Do you want a banana or not?
Not if they're dry, I'm not an animal.
At least I have food in the house. All you have at home is drinkable yogourt.
I like to drink my yogourt, it's a time saver.
You think you could use that time to shave your stubble.
Your whiskers are like knives.
Now see, if you were my girlfriend, I couldn't tell you to shut up right now.
And because you're just my buddy, I can tell you that if you don't start shaving up here...
I'm gonna stop shaving...down there.
Mom!
My eyes are covered. I don't know what you're doing.
I can't see you putting on your black underpants.
Jamie baby, I've missed you.
Did your boobs get bigger?
Mom, I'm over here.
Oh hey baby, No, they didn't.
What are you doing here?
Victor turned out to be a total lombard.
L.O.M.B.A.R.D. Lots of money but a real dullard.
Victor, her fiancee.
-Ex fiancee. -What happened?
Nothing, he was just blah. I mean, nice, but it was like talking to dirt.
I woke up one day and I said "Lorna", I'm Lorna.
-Dylan. -I said "Lorna, this is not your bliss".
-Just because you're 39... -48.
...it doesn't mean you have to settle. He's not an insurance claim...
so I got the first plane off the island.
Cleveland is not an island.
Oh, baby, it is.
Anyway, here I am. So good to see you. You never told me you had a hot boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend, mom.
That's right, we're just friends.
Oh, I love it. It's like the '70s in here.
That was a better time. Just sex. A little grass, a little glue...
Not during pregnency... well, not during the final trimester.
But no complications. Great!
Well, that's technically I guess what this is.
That's exactly what this is.
So my daughter is just your slam piece.
No! Slam piece?
Just kidding. Slam away.
I think this is great. The only thing is it takes you off the market...
but what the hell? The whole reason you go to the market is to buy the produce...
which you already got.
It's so good to see you, baby.
I'm only gonna be here a few weeks.
I'm starving. You got any gin?
In the kitchen.
You gotta go.
-Was she wearing AXE body spray? -I don't know.
Bananas in the refridgerator? What are you, Puerto Rican?
That is terrible, mother!
Just joking. Your dad was Puerto Rican.
What? You said that he was Greek.
Potato, potato.
Just go.
Just put these on on the bike? OK.
It was nice to have met you... and your pants are coming off.
Mom, please!
That's what I'm talking about!
We're kicking every gay ass out here.
I don't say it out of joy, I say it hopefully.
Any of you gay?
-Not even you? -Come on, man.
Come talk to me after. Give me 5 minutes of your time. I might be able to let you see some reason.
I'm supposed to meet up with Jamie.
Who's that, that head hunter?
You guys going out now?
No, no. We're just friends. We're messing around a little bit.
-What do you mean? -Sleeping together. But it's just sex.
It never works, bro. She's a girl. Sex always means more to them...
-...even if the don't admit it. -Jamie's different.
Does she have a penis where most girls have a vagina?
-No penis. -Then she's no different.
What do you know about women anyway?
Dude, I've turned down more tail than you'll ever have.
Yeah, bro. You're gay.
But the offers still keep rolling in, naturally. Look at me.
And hey, I love women. They're beautiful.
Majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures.
Smart, empathetic, far superior than men in every way.
If I had a choice, I would be with women to my dying day.
But me likes cock, so I'm strictly dickly.
So, it's always just about sex then?
No, I've been in a lot of... I've been down that rabbit hole.
You know what I discovered?
It's not who you want to spend Friday night with, it's who you want to spend all day Saturday with.
But then it's every Saturday for the rest of your life.
It's OK, you don't get it. It's no big deal.
But you will.
One day you'll meet someone and it will literally take your breath away.
Like, you can't breathe. Like, no oxygen to the lungs. Like a fish...
Yeah, I get it Tommy.
Nice work on that new online site, by the way.
What's the font on that headline?
New Times Roman?
New Times Roman. Inspired. I'm out.
You have a boat?!
I live in Jersey. And I ain't taking no ferry.
Unless it's after dinner and a show.
Hey. You and that Dylan. Way to go.
I mean the whole friendship-sex thing. Kudos, baby.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's just surprising. I always thought you were true love kinda girl.
Whatever, mom. It's not like it's stopping me from anything.
That's what I thought back in '78.
Amd every year since.
I'm flattered actually. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
It's just surprising.
There. Done.
You look great. You look like a princess.
-Really? -Yeah.
My friend gave me his house is Montague for July 4th. Let's go away together.
No men, no bullshit. Just mother daughter.
Like a Nora Efron movie.
When was the last time we spent a full weekend together?
When I was 8, that time in Vermont. We got snowed in with that ski instructor.
-Demetri. -Bill.
He reminded me a lot of your father.
Dark curls, olive skin. Cold War accent.
My father was Russian?
I don't remember. But what I do remember is that we drank a lot of vodka and shot a lot of guns.
Mom, this "Who's your daddy" game is getting really old.
I know I haven't been the best mother in the world...
I'm sorry. Were you waiting for me to jump in?
Come on! Go away with me.
Come on.
OK, we'll do it. It'll be fun.
I was trying to bond. It was either this, or sniff glue.
Sorry about my mom.
I thought she was funny.
She's really funny when she's asking for money...
and she's hilarious when she needs a place to stay.
Dylan I...I think I want to start dating again.
I think we should stop this.
-I kinda think you're right. -Right?
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end".
That actually makes sense right here.
Who'd have thought Third Eye Blid could be so prophetic?
-It's not Third Eye Blind. -I'm pretty sure it's Third Eye Blind.
Do you wanna go grab some lunch?
-Yes. -OK.
-You're buying. -What?
-Pants. -Shirt.
So this is the end of this.
I guess so. But it's good.
-Yeah, we did it. -With no bullshit.
-Shirt. -Sweater.
We managed to actually stay friends.
OK, so what is your type anyway?
I don't have a type. What matters it's what's inside.
Please! OK what about her?
Yeah, I could get to know her inside.
And she's reading a book.
It's probably Nicholas Sparks.
-I'm gonna go talk to her. -What?
What do you mean "what"? You said you wanted to date again.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Now? Here? In front of all these people?
It's not like I'm gonna rape her. I'm just gonna go talk to her.
-Well? -We talked.
She's Belgian.
Hence the reading.
I showed her where the balcony was but that's where she's meeting up with her...
...husband.
Anniversary trip to NY.
3 kids. Kristof, Karlina and Pekin.
Shut up.
Why are you still laughing?
At least I gave it a shot.
Fine. I'll go next.
See if I still have game.
OK, right here. 11 o'clock. Ice coffee.
Handsome, but doesn't know it.
Staring at a tree which means he's actually at the park for nature...
and not to watch women sunbathe.
-Or he's retarted. -Don't care. I'm going in.
Excuse me...
OK his name is Parker...
he's a children's oncologist...
and I have a date this Saturday.
-Nice. -Thank you.
Why did you wave to me?
I told him you are my gay best friend so he wants to set you up with his brother.
College, med school and I haven't slept since.
You actually cure cancer.
Well... Me and God.
What?
I'm kidding. Can you imagine someone would actually say that?
Yeah, I could. I've been out with a lot of them.
-Cancer doctors? -No, assholes.
Hopefully you're all done with that.
Although I gotta warn you. Lot of cancer doctors, big assholes.
-Really! -Yeah.
Oh and brain surgeons, huge perverts.
They're doing this, and a little bit of that.
When can I see you again?
Right now.
I'm just kidding.
Can you imagine someone would actually say that?
I played the tuba in high school. World's stupidest instrument.
Especially when you move 8 times.
Why did you move?
My mom really likes to break up with guys and she's really good at it.
-Was your dad one of them? -He was long before that.
I actually never knew my dad.
Sorry. That sucks.
All right look, I think I should probably tell you something.
Please don't tell me you're a dude.
Because that would be the 3d time since I moved here...
and I don't think I can handle that.
I have a 5 date rule.
You know, like 5 dates before we...
I saw it in a movie, thought I'd give it a try.
You're worth waiting for.
I'm sure that was the line in the movie, so...
Awesome. This 4 year old I've been working on for the last couple of months, he's gonna be fine.
That's great!
How is a guy like you single?
I just been waiting for someone to come up to me in the park...
compliment me for looking at the trees and not sunbathers.
I meant it, it was impressive.
Actually if I'm gonna be completely hosnest with you...
I was sleeping standing up.
I worked 36 hours straight.
I don't even know how I got to the park.
How is a girl like you single?
I have issues.
One might even call me damaged.
Actually, one did call me damaged.
Get outta here! Damaged how?
I kinda believe in true love.
That there might be a Prince Charming out there for me.
Listen, I know this is probably a "no" coz all you do is work like a dull boy...
but if you like to come get a beer...
-Nah, I'm good. -It's not a gay bar.
There just as many hot girls as hot guys.
You know what? I will come out.
All right. Let's find you a lady.
-Still not gay right? -Nope.
-What? -Do you know what today is?
Date no.5.
I wasn't even counting.
-Wanna go to the bedroom? -No, here's fine.
So glad I met you.
You too.
What are you thinking?
Just...how great you are.
Annie, hey.
Who the fuck is Annie?
My sister.
Better be. I'll cut her.
Of course I'm coming.
Yeah, I'm taking the 4th off, so I'll be there for 3 days.
How's dad?
Any worse?
Tell him I said hi.
Bye, Banannie.
I want you to meet my parents.
No...you...really?
God!
Hey, hold on.
Hold on, just give me a second.
I'm gonna find a place to talk.
Shit!
-Sorry. -Hold on.
I was out pretty late last night.
When I got in, you and your girlfriend were on the couch...
so I just crushed in your bed.
-He's not a girl. -He smells like a girl.
-You smelled him? -I want to buy marshmellows.
-What did you say? -For Montague this weekend.
I want to do a camp fire. Like when you were little.
-OK. -And then we're gonna look for sticks.
I hear you, sticks.
And then we're gonna sing.
What's up?
Do you think guys care more about global warming or how to wear white pants to a cookout?
That depends. Do you have a hot model in a bikini sitting in an ice cap?
No. Ski slope.
I'd still go with pants to a cookout.
Me too.
How's your boy Parker? Still staring at trees?
Yeah, he still looking up at trees but this time it's actually in my apartment.
-5th date already? -Maybe.
Did you guys...
5th date?
-How dare you? A lady never tells. -I know, that's why I'm asking you.
Hey, I gotta go. You have a great trip in LA and call me when you land.
Parker!
I got us coffees. Non fat, one sugar.
I gotta get going.
What? I thought you weren't on call today.
I'm not, but I got that thing...
They just called me.
-Really? -Yeah.
The sneak out. How incredibly cliche of you.
I just...
I don't think I can be your Prince Charming.
You totally didn't get anything that I was saying, did you?
-No, no. I think you're great. -You too.
You know, you and I should stay friends.
-Really? -No. Go fuck yourself!
Who sleeps standing up?
You know, you'd be really proud of me.
I didn't even blink when I told him to go fuck himself.
-You did just then, though. -This doesn't count. I'm not in the moment.
Maybe I suck in bed.
Trust me, you don't suck in bed.
-Thank you. -So needy.
Hey, maybe the guy's married or something.
No. Did a background check at work.
Single, no criminal history, credit report 7020.
Background check. Did you do one on me?
How could you possibly max out an Old Navy card?
After college I was really into cargo pants.
I got to stop thinking it's not me. It's gotta be me.
It's not you. Nothing is wrong with you.
He's a guy. You gave him a 5 date challenge, he got it and cut out.
Forget the douche. He's a dick.
He's a dick douche.
Go have fun with your mom.
Almost forgot. I got you something.
It's Lt. Kali, the street artist we talked about.
I got him to do something for you. FTALE. Fairytale.
I know you're into that girly shit.
This is so cool.
It's actually really sweet.
-It's cool, right? -Yeah. Thank you.
I'm gonna need to borrow cab fare.
I'm not taking that thing in the subway. I don't wanna get rolled.
No problem. As long as you get your feet off my bed. They're disgusting.
What are you doing? Why you're doing that?
Mom come on, we gotta get on the road.
Mom?
Why did I think this time would be any different?
-Come with me to LA. -What?
What else are you gonna do? It's 4th of July.
Everybody's left the city.
You're very sweet for asking but it's fine.
You know what, I'll just stay here. I'll be fine alone.
I know you'll be fine alone, you're not a baby in a hot car.
I'm actually asking you to come because it will help me.
You'd be a great distraction for my family.
They'll forget all about drilling me for being single.
Won't they think we're together?
Not if I told them we're not.
-And they'll believe you? -Yeah. We're one of these...
crazy families that doesn't lie to each other. PBS is doing a documentary on us.
Come on, they'll love you. All fast talking and brass, it's like I'm bringing home a carnie.
You're really nice to ask but I'm just gonna stay here.
Go to the gym.
I just got you a ticket with my miles. It's done. Meet me at JFK.
-But... -No buts!
Like you were gonna go to the gym.
I wasn't.
LA is so nice.
And everyone is so genuine and level headed.
Thanks for this.
You're good peeps.
You're the good peeps, dude.
You haven't met my family, you don't know what you're in for.
You know these planes pretty much land themselves?
Nobody cares, you sound like an asshole.
She's from NY.
I'm sorry.
Wow. This looks normal.
It is.
You grew up here?
It was my grandfather's.
He bought it when there was nothing else here.
My dad, my sister and her son live here now.
Why would you move to NY?
I was conned by some head hunter.
-You're here! -Sammy!
-Uncle Dylan! -What's up, buddy?
Jamie, this is my nephew. Sam, the magnificent.
-Hello. -May I offer you a light for your cigarette?
I'm sorry, I don't smoke.
Just pretend, he's a magician.
Of course I'll have a cigarette. Smoking is great for you.
-Thank you, good sir. -My pleasure, my lady.
All part of the illusion.
-Jet skis later? -Definitely.
-Still into magic, uh? -Yeah.
But I'll take that over him sexting his friends any day.
Jamie, this is my sister Annie.
Thank you for having me.
It's nice to have Dylan bring a girl home.
-We're just friends. -No, I know.
If you were his girlfriend, he never would have brought you here.
-This one has intimacy issues. -I know.
-Dylan. -Dad!
-How you doing, buddy? -I'm good.
I miss you guys, but I'm good.
Didi Spencer?
Jamie. Dylan's friend.
I'm sorry.
For a minute you reminded me of a girl I used to know.
No, that's OK. It happens.
-Nice to meet you. -Pleasure meeting you. You have a beautiful house.
Thank you. Pool's a little cold. But it's very expensive to heat.
I think I'm gonna in and check the tide tables.
I'm taking the boat out early in the morning. You should come.
Oh, I would love to.
We sold the boat. The doctor doesn't want you driving the boat anymore.
It's turned into mush.
It's good to see you, buddy.
-Nice to meet you. -Nice meeting you, too.
-Jamie. -Yes.
What's with the pants?
He doesn't like them anymore.
It's getting worse.
So good to have you here.
Go show her the beach.
Let me show you the beach.
Go, get sandy.
Dylan never told me about your dad.
Yeah, it's been tough on him. They were real close.
Dylan doesn't quite know how to deal with the Alzheimer's.
Sorry.
He'll be his regular old self, everything seems fine and then in a flash, he is gone.
-That's Dylan when he was 9. -Are those braids?
He was going through a Kriss Kross phase.
Remember them? "Kriss Kross will make you jump jump".
-Is that your mom? -No, that's Dylan's speech therapist.
He had a stutter. It got real bad when he was nervous.
Rough childhood.
-His math tutor called it "character building". -Math tutor?
We're talking like 8x6=1200.
But he's very visual. Thank God.
Could you please explain to me this photo?
That is my 12th birthday surprise party.
I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go to bed.
-Jamie, all good with your room? -Yeah, it's perfect.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
Sammy and I built a saw a girl in half-box, just be careful on your way to bed.
-He's not using a real saw, is he? -Of course he is. He's magnificent.
I'll make sure he brushes his teeth and you, don't believe anything she says. She's a liar.
-He's a pretty special guy. -Yeah, I think so.
-You up? -Yeah, come in.
I thought you were going to bed.
I was but then I realised, we are both single again.
Oopsie!
-Dude, no. -Why not?I washed my hands.
With soap this time.
Are you serious? Why would you just assume?
You cracked your neck on the porch.
This thing. That should tell, remember?
I cracked my neck because we were on a flight for 6 hours.
And you were yapping my ear off about how planes all fly themselves.
And it actually kinked my neck a bit.
-So...no? -No. I'm not having sex with you.
Is it your special time? They have an app for that. No, wait.
No. You're good to go.
We talked about this.
I just got dumbed so…
OK, I'm sorry. I thought this was gonna be a good way to take your mind off of him.
I don't function that way. Sex is not gonna help. But you know what will? Emotional support.
Before we had sex without emotion and now we have emotion without sex.
Exactly.
I just need you to be my friend right now.
OK. So, I'll listen to you while you give me a hand job.
-No. -I'm kidding. Goodnight.
Wait, hold on. Friends can still hung out. And I don't know…listen to music.
Listen to music?
I'm gonna kill Annie.
I can't believe you used to like them.
I didn't like these guys. I don't even remember…
I don't know what he says right there but…
You're kidding me? These dudes were da bomb!
Everybody had bawls, wore them backwards, baseball jerseys…
I went as Kriss Kross 3 years in a row for Halloween.
-Poor kid. -I'm not proud of it.
I borrowed one of your books, I hope that's OK.
Have you never really brought a girl home before?
I brought you here.
I mean like a real girl. Not a friend.
-A real girl. -Yeah.
I guess not.
Separation of church and state.
Yes, build up as many walls as possible, that's really healthy.
You talking to me about walls?
What about you and your mom?
Couldn't get me out of there fast enough when she walked in on us.
That was for your own protection.
I'm just surprised she didn't try to slip you her number, or something.
Oh, she did. She put it in my phone.
-Under MILF. -Oh my God.
That's cool. We only hooked up like twice.
I'm starting to get a mental image.
-I have a video image if you want. -Just stop it.
What?
Nothing. Just glad I met you.
Knowing you doesn't suck either.
-I thought you said… -I know what I said.
Oopsie!
Good morning.
Is it always this beautiful out here?
Between the fires and the floods, we get about 10 good days.
No, no. Here. You two sit together.
Are you sure?
You don't have to do that, dad.
No, I know. I'm gonna look at the boat. I love that boat.
Coffee, my lady?
Yes, please. Thank you.
All right, man!
Look at you!
Pretty impressive.
Your shirt's leaking.
Apologies.
Here.
-You OK? -Yeah. You?
Yeah.
-See, Sammy? -Yeah. Wow.
-Pretty cool, uh? -Yeah.
God, it's nice.
I do miss the mornings out here.
Right before it burns off, really it's beautiful.
I like Jamie.
And she's pretty, too.
Hey, easy dude. Don't you go casting a spell on her.
I'm a magician, not a wizard.
You and your gay Harry Potter.
You can't deny that going to Hogwarts wouldn't be life changing.
I miss you.
I miss you too, bud.
Mom misses you. And so does grandpa.
Does he say anything?
No. But sometimes he calls me Dylan.
He said that he didn't want the job.
That he was just coming to NY to explore his options.
What a crock of gas.
Fly cross country to explore options? Please, I don't think so.
Exactly! I knew I had him the second he got off that plane.
-Did you now? -Yeah.
Was that in the same second you leapt on to the baggage claim barefoot and acted out…
a scene from "Will&Grace"?
-She did? -Oh yeah, you should have seen her.
"Look at me, I'm goofy but cute".
-It was all part of my plan. -Part of your plan.
Did you major in planning at Head Hunting college?
-So clever. -It's not a real college by the way, buddy.
You guys bicker like an old married couple.
Here, pick a card, my lady.
No, not that one. The one on top.
This is a good one.
Did you get her an engagement gift?
We're not engaged, dad. We're not together. We're just friends.
You want to wait, I understand.
But, get her some jewelry.
The only thing your mom wants is jewelry.
I don't care how upset she is, I get her jewelry, she lights right up.
Where is she anyway?
-She's not here, dad. -I know, that's why I asked. Where is she?
-She's not coming. -Why not?
She doesn't live with you anymore, pop.
-You're not married. -What?
She left about 10 years ago.
I don't understand.
She divorced you, dad.
Let's call her.
-Dad, you can't! -Stop telling me what to do!
-You OK, dad? -Fine, fine.
-Let me help you up. -Don't.
Here we are.
This is beautiful.
This is where I used to come and think. My rooftop.
Ok, how high do you think that fence is?
I'm a little over 6 foot, looks like it's about 3 of me,so…
6 times 3…
92 feet.
92 feet? That's really tall, right?
But they don't want you to get up there, so I guess that makes sense.
-Wait. 6 times 3… -You poor kid.
-What's up? -Come on.
Where you're going?
Jaime, no, no, wait. They take this shit seriously, OK?
Look at all the cameras. This is the only landmark the city has…
other than the Scientology center.
And if any of these cameras are hooked up to the actual Scientology center…
that was an inappropriate joke and I apologise.
I believe in the freedom of science fiction.
Sorry. Pussy!
Come on!
You've really never been up here before?
No. I also never transferred heroine in my rectum coz it's against the law.
You know sometimes a simple "yes or no" answer is adequate.
Hey, why didn't you tell me about your mom?
She's not worth talking about.
That's rough.
So's leaving your husband and kids.
You never told me about him either.
There's a lot of stuff you didn't tell me.
I don't want your pity.
I can handle anything except...
the look in people's eyes.
That one.
Who cares what anybody thinks?
He's the smartest man I've ever known. He's the only person I'd ever got to for advice.
He's my dad.
He's still the same man.
When I see the way people look at him now…
It doesn't matter how people look at him.
All that matters is how you look at him.
He's walking around without his pants. Everyone's staring…
-So what? -It's embarrassing.
He needs to know that nothing's changed. That he's still that same man to you.
Can we stop talking about this?
Yeah. Let's not talk about our feelings.
I'm trying not to.
Come on, is something going on here? You've been acting really weird.
-No, I haven't. -Yeah, you have.
Is this about what happened the other night?
What sex? That doesn't mean anything. You know that.
Right.
-And I haven't been acting weird. -OK.
-Shit! -I told you!
-I'm sorry! -Fuck!
We got to jump!
-Dylan, jump! -I'm frozen!
-This is your last warning… -I have a fear of heights.
And also, helicopters. They don't make sense to me.
What do you mean you have a fear of heights?
Why would you come up here?
You called me a pussy!
A bizarre situation this afternoon in the Southland.
LAPD rescued a local man from the Hollywood sign.
They actually wrapped you in a foil blanket.
Did you run a marathon before this?
No, no. I wanna save it.
Give me the remote.
It's OK. It'll be up on YouTube.
You're still good to take dad that week after I go to DC for Sam's class trip, right?
Yeah. He's gonna stay with me in NY.
So, when are we gonna see Jamie again?
I don't know.
What's your problem? Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend. Why don't you believe me?
I would believe you if you didn't lie to me.
I saw you creeping out of her room the other night.
Like you just had sex, if you know what I mean.
Yes, I know what you mean. You just said it.
And how do you know what I look like after I have...
I'm not talking to you about this,OK?
We're not together.
-Dylan. -Enough. We're not talking about it.
Forgot my saw. Be right back.
I'll wait here. Don't worry about me.
Friends who have sex? What are you, in college?
-It doesn't matter, it's over. -Why?
Because we don't like each other like that.
Ok, you know what? Can we just talk about this?
Sit down. What more are you looking for?
Who says I'm looking for anything?
Dylan!
I don't know, but it's not Jaime.
Why, because you're great together? Because you're actually friends with each other?
Because this is the happiest I have ever seen you?
I don't know what to tell you, Annie.
She's not for me. I don't like her like that.
You like her enough to have sex with her.
It's just physical.
Like playing tennis.
I don't even know what that means, Dylan.
I haven't seen you this dumb since you got that candy corn tattoo.
It's a lightning bolt! With extra powers!
You can't name one thing that's wrong with her.
I can never go out with her.
She's too fucked up.
Besides, she doesn't want a boyfriend. She's too damaged.
Magnum PI couldn't solve the shit that's going on in her head.
You'll say anything right now not to admit that you're perfect for each other.
-Why am I still having this conversation? -Because I'm right.
-Good talk, Annie. -Dylan…
Oh you're men. You like sports.
Hey, we were waiting for you.
I actually got a call from work. I should be in a red-eye tonight back to NY.
-Tonight? -Yeah.
-Tomorrow's the 4th. -I know. It sucks.
At least let me drive you to the airport.
No, it's fine. Stay. I already called a cab. It's out front.
Thank you guys for everything.
And thank you for letting me stay here. it's been pretty great.
-Everything OK, buddy? -Yeah, buddy. Everything's great.
I really got to go.
So, thank you again. I'm sorry I have to go.
Let Dylan drive you.
Do you want to take some food to go?
Want me to saw you in half?
We can send your bottom part to NY and your top half can stay here.
Or the whole of you could stay.
OK I'm sorry. I got to go.
Jamie!
She's gone. She hopped in the cab.
We should eat.
-Hungry, buddy? -Yeah.
Hey, bro. You hungry? Coz I'm gonna get something to eat.
Thanks, man. I think I'm just gonna work through lunch.
A work ethic. I love it.
That is why this country is still number 1.
Well, behind Germany and France and Belgium and Japan and China.
Thank God for Bangladesh.
By the way, why did you take your door of its lovely hinges?
It was dumb, man. Something I saw in a management book.
Right. That's how Warren Buffett got rich. He took doors off of things.
Hey, everybody wants a shortcut in life. My guide book is very simple.
You wanna lose weight, stop eating, fatty.
You wanna make money, work your ass off, lazy.
You wanna be happy, find someone you like and never let him go.
Or her, if you're into that kinda creepy shit.
Hi. you reached Jamie-. I can't pick up the phone right now.
Please leave a message and I'll call you back.
Mom, you gotta point it at the screen. You got to tell it where you are.
FIne. I'm over here, pouring myself a drink.
Oh, booty call. I can take a walk around the block.
No, no. That's OK.
This is your apartment. I don't wanna twat block you.
That's Dylan, right?
-He seemed pretty great. -You met him once.
That's more than anybody else you dated.
You think maybe I keep my worlds apart for some crazy reason?
I...am an asshole.
We're looking for someone to lead the re-design of our entire web site.
Someone to turn it completely upside down.
But you can't tell me what company you work for.
For confidentiality reasons, no.
Can you give me a hint?
We may or may not be the largest seller of purchased goods on the internet.
By purchased goods, I mean books.
You just placed the new art director over at GQ, right?
-Yeah. -That's the type of guy we want.
That's THE guy we want. Can you get him to come out to us?
No longer have a relationship with him.
Can you get to him?
He's still in the 1st year of his contract. So that would be inappropriate.
So it's paying full price for a book at Barnes&Noble but people do dumb shit.
Hi. you reached Jamie-. I can't pick up the phone right now.
Please leave a message and I'll call you back.
Wow. Right to voice mail. Didn't even ring.
Jamie.
How did you know I was up here?
Only place in the city you don't get reception.
Why are you avoiding me?
-I'm not. -Really? Come on, Jamie.
Well Dylan, I don't know if you heard but I'm seriously fucked up.
Magnum PI couldn't solve the shit going on up here.
-My God, I'm sorry. -I'm just gonna go.
Try to fix the shit going on in my head, if that's even possible.
I shouldn't have said that. I was just trying to get my sister off my back.
I thought we liked each other.
Me too, Dylan. I thought we were friends.
But friends don't go talking shit about each other.
Which must mean that you and I, were actually never friends.
That all you wanted, was to get in my pants.
-What? -You jumped at the chance at your dad's house.
You cracked your neck, I thought you were giving me a sign.
We talked about this.
Oh my God, really?
You pulled my robe off. "Oopsie!" Remember?
Yeah, and then you snuck out of the room. Oopsie, remember that?
Are you pissed off at me because I didn't cuddle?
Isn't that why we started this whole arrangement in the first place?
You wanted this.
I wanted this?
Just me.
God, you're just like every other guy.
The sad thing is Dylan, I actually thought you were different.
Different from what? I'm not your boyfriend, I'm your friend.
With friends like you, who needs friends?
Thank you for ruining my mountaintop.
Asshole.
Hey, man. You can't be up here.
-You OK? -Fine.
-Brice…this is for me? -Yeah.
And so is this.
Maddison, will you marry me?
You bet your ass.
-I love NY. -I love you.
Oh my God look, the Empire State building.
Oh look, the statue of Liberty.
This is Jamie.
What do you mean, they went to him directly?
Is he gonna take it?
No, no. I'll handle it. I'll call him right now.
Hey, this is Dylan. Leave a message.
Excuse me, may I help you?
Hi. Where is Dylan Harper?
He's at a photo shoot for the sports issue.
That's right. Photo shoot.
Where was that again?
I'm sorry, who are you?
One of the models.
I have the perfect body for PhotoShop.
This gets more angular, these get longer, this gets way more christian…
So, where did you say he was again?
Sports is the last chance we have for brining our world together, bro.
So I just wanted to shoot some photos that speak to that.
To the unification of all people through sport.
OK guys, let's go.
That's it. Beautiful.
Now put your arms around each other. Like you like each other, like you love each other.
-Too gay? -A little bit.
Throw some girls in there.
Come on, ladies.
Girls, girls. OK. Blend in.
Dylan.
What are you doing here?
You met for another job. You're going to leave now?
I don't know. Yeah, I took one meeting.
I can't believe you.
Come here.
-Is this your way of getting back at me? -What?
You know that if you leave before the year's up, I get screwed.
Oh, right. If I did leave, which I don't know yet, because all I did was take one meeting…
I'll write you a check for your bonus.
Whatever it is I'll pay for it. Happy now? We good?
Why didn't you tell me you were looking?
That's personal. And we're not friends anymore. You made that pretty clear.
See, all I wanted to do is have sex with you, remember?
Pretend you were the best friend I ever had. Open up to you like I've never done with anyone ever.
And then when the sex stopped, invite you to LA for the weekend to…
introduce you to my family.
-I'll send you a check if I take the job. -Don't bother.
-Hey, Dyl. -Dad's coming in to NY airport, right?
Yeah, he leaves at 9 our time.
9. So, it's a 5 hour flight, 3 hour time difference, so he get's in at…
-32. -5. Be there at 5, Dylan.
Right. How is dad?
He's lost more often than not now.
But then he has his moments of real clarity. It's hit or miss.
How's Jamie?
-That's over. -Oh, Dylan…
-OK, we're done. -Don't be an idiot. Please.
Thank you, Annie. I'll pick up dad tomorrow at the airport.
32 sharp.
I love you.
I don't know what it is.
I just can't get myself to start looking for a replacement for him, assuming that he leaves.
Do you want some motherly love advice?
-Not really. -Good, coz I don't know how to do that.
What I do know is that it's not great God damn secret your live in fear of repeating my mistakes.
And you're not wrong, so learn from me.
Do you know how many men in my life I thought were really perfect?
-80. -1.
-81? -1.
It was your dad. Greatest man I ever met. Obviously, look at you.
How smart you are, how great, how funny, how driven.
Your faintly Middle-Eastern beauty. Surely it hasn't all come from me.
OK, but seriously mom. Do you really not remember where my dad's from?
Or is it like a coping mechanism?
Little of both.
But I'm pretty sure he's EurAsian.
I mean, we all have our Prince Charming. You just gotta know him when you see him.
Mom, it's Prince Charming. You should just know.
Your Prince Charming isn't coming to rescue you in a horse and carriage, that's not who you are.
You're looking for a man to be your partner.
To take on the world with.
You've gotta update your fairy tale, baby.
My Prince Charming?
You.
A wheelchair. Like I'm an invalid.
-How was the flight? -I'm hungry.
You know they don't serve food in coach anymore?
You'd think with these new planes that practically fly themselves…
they'd get rid of the pilot and use his salary for a hot lunch.
I know, right? Let's get you some food.
Engineering on these planes is so advanced, it's completely computerized.
-Like playing a video game. -Exactly.
How long have we been waiting? It's ridiculous.
I'll be right back, OK?
Excuse me.
We've been waiting a while.
-Harper. -I got you, I got you.
I sit people in the order they came.
I totally understand that, but I'm with my dad.
-And he's not in the best shape. -I'm sorry.
Is there no way we could like, squeeze a table…
No, I gotta go by the list.
Dad?
You gonna join me?
Absolutely.
Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry. You can't do this.
Could I get a stake medium, please?
-Sir, this is the Daily Grill. -Make that two.
Didi? Didi!
Dad.
Who is Didi?
She's just a girl that I met in the Navy.
She was the love of my life.
Why didn't you tell me about it before?
It's not something you discuss with your children.
Besides, I have you and Annie. I have no regrets.
So tell me now.
She was the love of my life, and I was too stupid to realize it and I lost her…
because of something so dumb I don't even remember.
And I never really got over it.
And I think that may be one of the reasons your mom left.
You know, my friends used to say that when Didi and I looked at each other, it was electric.
And I let her go. I just let her go.
Because I was too damn proud to tell her how I really felt about her.
I'll tell you something I wish I knew when I was your age.
And I know you heard it a million times, life is short.
But let me tell you something. What this is teaching me…
is that life is God damn short and you can't waste a minute of it.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
The girl I brought home to LA…
-Jamie… -Yeah, what's going on with her?
I think I messed it up.
-Fix it. -She won't talk to me.
Maybe she'll listen. There's always a way.
If you think there's even a chance that she could be it, you fix it.
Did Annie put you up to this?
Who's Annie?
I'm kidding. I can't joke about this?
Jesus Christ, dad.
I don't know what else to do.
Let's go.
You don't wanna finish your stake?
We're eating in a God damn airport. I can leave the stake. Come on.
This is Dylan Harper from GQ. We met a few weeks ago.
Right.
I want to ask you a huge favor.
-Oh, I'm so sorry. -It's my fault.
No, no. My fault. You all right?
-Let me help you with that. -Thanks, you're really nice.
All right. Hey, stay proud.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
All right, let's dance, cloudy brown.
What's your problem with me?
I saw you at that bar with Jamie.
How can such an awesome girl be with this…
over this?
I've been trying to take that little monkey to pound town for years.
I'll tell her you say hello.
-What? -You've missed a little…
There you go.
Dylan, I got a cab. Come on.
I ever run into you again, I'll crush your earlobes and make soup stock out of them.
-You've a vivid imagination. -I do.
-Getting in a cab now. -I'm gonna make soup.
-What's the matter with her? -I don't know.
I thought LA was bad. This traffic is terrible.
Is there any other way into the city?
I owe you big time, Tommy.
You'll make it up to me.
Actually, I was heading in to town anyway.
Tonight's the Butterfly ball. Great place to pick up dudes.
-You OK dad? -Are you kidding?
1937 chris craft, couldn't get any better, buddy.
Hi, this is Dylan. We met at… Right.
Can I ask you a huge favor?
My number…
Here's the remote.
My friend Dave from across the hall, his oven broke, so he'll be using the kitchen.
You friend Dave is here using the kitchen or watching me?
Go.
-Holy! -What?
How to wear white pants to a cookout.
Did you scoop the Times on this?
I smell Pulitzer.
All right, all right.
Just say hello to her for me, will you?
See you, dad.
Hi Dave from across the hall.
Hi Mr. Harper.
How are you?
And now I know why you're here.
Mom, I'm over by the exit. Where are you?
I'm standing right by the guy in the tie.
There's are a million guys in ties.
Look for the guy I'm standing next to.
You never do what you say you're gonna do. When am I gonna learn?
Just hang on, baby.
What?
I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it. Something came up.
Let's meet tomorrow. I'll be on the stairs. Right across from you.
Oh my God.
Have a great night, baby.
What is this?
"Closing Time" by the band Semisonic. It's not Third Eye Blind, can you believe that?
Not the song. This.
You said you wanted your life to be like the movies.
Sorry I had to use the real Grand Central instead of a fake one.
-Listen… -I'm having trouble hearing you.
Yeah, I didn't really think this through.
I guess in the movies the guy pours his heart out and they put the music in later.
What?
I messed up.
I was scared.
Look what happened to my mom and my dad, of course I was scared.
I ruined it.
Everything that happened in the day, all I could think to myself is I can't wait to tell Jamie about this.
When I see someone cursing, all I picture is you blinking.
And when I hear a kid's been cured of cancer, I pray it's not by the douche bag…
tree hugging, fucking doctor who ran out on you.
I mean, cancer being cured is awesome.
But you know, I wish someone else did it.
Come on.
-I miss you. -I miss you, too.
But you're not wrong, I am damaged.
So am I.
Who isn't? It's what makes us so awesome.
And our tattoos.
No, no, no.
Shut up, it's not what you think.
Jamie, will you be my best friend again?
-That is so lame. -Oh, I know.
It's some Prince Charming shit though, right?
-Get up. -OK.
Look. I can live without ever having sex with you again.
It'd be really hard.
I want my best friend back.
Because I'm in love with her.
-Under one condition. -Anything.
Kiss me.
In public, in front of all these people?
You can all go home now.
What do we do now?
Have our first date.
Oh my God! Did you get a horse and carriage?
Yeah, that's not for you.
Thank God! Horses actually scare the shit out of me.
-Really? -Yeah.
-So, where are you from? -California.
Interesting.
I'm from LA. Just moved to NY.
Interesting. I didn't really ask, but go on.
I'm excited. I'm on a first date.
This isn't weird at all.
So…
Yeah, fuck it.
Subtitles/Synch: AtenRa